March 8, 2007

Your daily dose of Edd, Part VIII

"They were all straight thuggin' it."

Ah, yes. Here we have Edd's favorite phrase, "straight thuggin' it." He says this all the time. It comes up in a conversation somewhat like this:

Edd - Man, we got so much work today.
Me - Yeah?
Edd - Yep. I've been straight thuggin' it all year, and now I have all this work to do. It's just not righteous.

"Thuggin' it," you see, is the act of completely slacking off in school. By not doing your assigned homework, you are thuggin'. By not paying attention in class, you are thuggin'. Apparently, too, according to Edd, if one has been thuggin', it is not fair for a teacher to assign a bunch of work. Yes. That's right. Work of any sort should not be assigned in school. One should be able to slack off all year round. (This, I assume, is the reason that Edd is currently failing two classes.)

March 7, 2007

Your daily dose of Edd, Part VII

I've decided that I don't like the new dictionary-esque format for the daily dose. It just doesn't look good. So, I'm going back to the old format.

"One guy would get rattle snaked and then it's all over."

Here we have yet another example of how Edd manages to use nouns in place of verbs. At one point a few weeks ago, we were talking about video games that we used to play back in the days of Windows 3.1. Games such as Chip's Challenge, Ski Free, and Rodent's Revenge all came up. If you haven't guessed already, the above phrase was used in regards to the oh-so-universally-played Oregon Trail. Yes. You know it well. Everyone, I think, has played the game, and the fear of Dysentery is one to which we all can relate.

We were discussing the various ways in which one could lose the game, when the "demise-inducing" (you get two Eddisms today!) rattle snakes came up. You would be minding your own business, only a river crossing away from completing the game when the pesky reptiles would move in for the kill. Your mom would get bitten first. You'd bury her, be sad, but move on. You'd think, "I've already had to endure one snake bite. They can't be coming around again any time soon." Of course, this was an ignorant thought. They'd always come back. The game was over.

Now, most normal English speakers would describe this sort of chain of events somewhat like, "One passenger would get bitten by a rattle snake and then they would attack in droves. The game would be lost at that point." Edd, however, prefers to utilize a far more simplistic version of English. "One guy would get rattle snaked and then it's all over."

*I am aware of the fact that "snaked" is a verb. However, when used as Edd does, the application is not correct. To use the verb correctly, one must use it in a sentence like, "He snaked his way through the garden." A rattle snake cannot "snake" someone. Therefore, it is not possible for a rattle snake to have "snaked" a person.

March 6, 2007

They say the third time's the charm

Apparently I am not just her boss. I also fill the role of her granddaughter's school. Yep, she called again. I wasn't able to understand much of the message due to the woman's overly thick Southern accent, but I was able to gather that Kim--her name is Kim, not Jean...oops--wanted the school to allow her granddaughter to ride home on the bus today. It looks as if somebody is not getting home today!

I am beginning to wonder whether or not Kim has my phone number on speed-dial. Of course, that can't explain the fact that she has now left me messages intended for two different people, but it's a thought. I guess my number could be programmed under every possible speed-dial key. Then again, she does have a granddaughter. I guess it is safe to assume that she is a little more advanced in age. That, combined with the fact that she lives in North Carolina (she has a very distinctive accent), leads me to believe that Ms. Kim is of little mental capacity*.

Maybe I'll be fortunate enough to answer the phone one time when she calls (so far, she has only called very early in the morning or during classes), and be able to set her straight. For now, though, Kim provides me with a bit of entertainment every couple of days. In fact, I quite enjoy attempting to decipher her messages.

On a slightly unrelated note, aren't noses weird? I overheard someone exclaiming to another person how much she liked the other's nose, and though that somewhat odd. I've never found noses to be that attractive. In fact, they seem, like ears, to be after-the-fact additions to the human physique. Try staring at a nose for a small length of time, and I am confident that you will understand. That is all.

*I am not implying that the elderly are any less intelligent that young people. In that thought, I was putting more emphasis on the fact that she was from the back woods of the South--the delirious, half-mad, rather stupid mother in law of the United States, if you will.

Your daily dose of Edd, Part VI

Edd, as you know, has a habit of using nouns in the place of verbs. He normally does this by adding "ed" or "ing" to the end of a perfectly good noun. Today's Eddism--err, dose--is just such a word. He used this for the first time last night in his explanation of where his Pop-Tarts had been hidden.

     drawered [drawr ed] -
        nivc. The act of being (forcibly) placed in a drawer; to have hidden something in a drawer.

(Note - "nivc" means "noun in verb's clothing.")

March 5, 2007

Your daily dose of Edd, Part V

I am going to try a slightly different format for today's dose. Instead of the usual phrase, then context, then discussion, you will get a sort of dictionary entry. (This will be quite convenient if you are keeping a dictionary entitled The English Language, Edd Style.) If you don't like it, I'll go back to the old version, but for now--at least for this week--I am going to stick with this new form.

Today I'll be introducing you to a term that has (luckily) found its way out of Edd's vocabulary. For a time, though, it was uttered at least twenty-five times a day. The term is "tool silencer," and it requires two definitions. The first, "tool," is a common slang term that the Urban Dictionary defines as:

     tool [tool] -
A poser; someone who does things simply to show off.

Now that you understand that, here is the meaning of the oh-so-annoying term "tool silencer" as according to Edd:

     tool silencer [tool sahy-luh n-ser] -
        n. A piece of music (usually played by a guitarist) that reveals to the tools in the audience how much they suck.

Yes. He really did use that term to describe pieces of music. Apparently The Barber of Seville arranged for two guitars is a huge tool silencer. Who would've thought.

Top ten alternate endings of Disney movies

All movies produced by Disney, as we know, have happy endings. Characters always make morally correct decisions, and everyone lives happily ever after. What if the endings of the more popular Disney movies had been different? Following are the top ten alternate endings to some of these movies. Enjoy!

10) Hercules - Instead of living on Earth with Megara (Meg), Hercules chooses to rejoin his family on mount Olympus.

9) Sleeping Beauty - Sleeping Beauty decides to go back to sleep.

8) Bambi - It is revealed that, in fact, it was not a hunter who was responsible for the death of Bambi's mother. In reality, Bambi was behind the assassination.

7) The Little Mermaid - After eluding the French chef for the entirety of the movie, Sebastian is made into a delicious meal.

6) Pocahontas - Grandmother Willow gets uprooted during a terrible hurricane.

5) Pinocchio - Yep. You guessed it. Pinocchio doesn't turn into a real boy. Instead, he is used as scrap wood for a construction project.

4) Mary Poppins - Ms. Poppins doesn't leave the children. Instead, she lives with them, all the while feeling terrible about her inability to help other in-need children. She drinks herself into a coma.

3) Blackbeard's Ghost - The little old ladies lose the inn. Also, Steve and Blackbeard are forced to live with each other for the remainder of Steve's life.

2) The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes - In the alternate version, this film is only about fifteen minutes long. Dexter Riley dies after receiving the shock from the computer.

And the number one alternate ending is...

1) The Hunchback of Notre Dame - Quasimodo slips and falls from the bell tower during a routine bell ringing.

March 4, 2007

You guarantee what?

Yesterday I saw a Quizno's advertisement on tv, and it struck me as kind of odd. Most companies offer guarantees in the form of "100% satisfaction, or you money back...guaranteed!" In the case of Quizno's, however, they offer something far less useful. At the end of the ad from yesterday, instead of offering customers their money back, the following offer was made:

100% satisfaction guaranteed or get another sub for FREE!

Now, I ask you, if I don't like a sandwich after trying it at Quizno's, why in the world would I want another one? On most occasions, if I dislike something, I try to avoid whatever it is in the future. How many of you, for instance, have tried Marmite and thought, "wow, this is truly awful," and then proceeded to ask yourself where you can get another jar for free? No one? Really?

Seems to me that most people who go into Quizno's and dislike the food would just like their money back. When offered another free sub instead, I foresee unhappy customers simply saying, "No thanks!" and leaving the store. Ooooh! That must be the whole idea behind the guarantee! A promise to customers that nobody will ever bother to collect on. What a brilliant way to save money! Quizno's has it all figured out. Way to go!

March 3, 2007

No, really, you have the wrong number

She called back. This is the third time! I erased the second message by accident, but here is a rough reproduction of the latest message.

Yes Lory, this is Jean. I was calling, Mr. Jornigan has called me, and needs some insight on the situation of the stock that was changed. He's wantin' to know if 582's gon' be pickin' them up in the mornin'. Christina's father and herself went back up to the school this afternoon, and he's got some questions that need to be answered. If you could please call him? Thank you.

I wonder if she is ever going to figure out that she is leaving messages on the wrong machine. I think it is kind of funny, but I'm sure she's going to get into some trouble if it keeps up. Oh well.

Also, I'm not going to be posting anything from Edd on the weekends, so keep a look out for your next dose on Monday.

March 2, 2007

Your daily dose of Edd, Part IV

"Man, I'm straight hungry. You want to roll dinner style?"

This is one of the most prevalent phrases in Edd's vocabulary. He says this at about 4:45pm each afternoon to one of his guitar buddies when he wants to go get some dinner in the cafeteria. There are only two kinds of occasions in which I won't hear this. The first is when Edd is at home. The second is when he goes out to eat dinner.

Now, what gets me the most about this phrase is the "dinner style" part of it. Edd makes it his mission to use the word "style" in conjunction with every other word known (or unknown) to the English language. As you saw two days ago, it works with the word "bell," and he has been heard to say such things as "homework style," "sparknotes style," and even "Swedish fish style." In fact, I think that Edd manages to work "style" (not in any good sense of the word) into his vocabulary even more than the word "straight." To give you a clear understanding of how often he really does use the word, allow me to present you with an analogy. "Style" is to Edd's vocabulary as "like" is to Valspeak. (Yes, "Valspeak" is really a word. I looked it up. You should too if you don't know what it means. You're welcome for enlightening you.)

We want your money, but only if you believe

Something rather strange happened to me yesterday. I was on the way to my room with a large package under my arm, when two sixty(ish) year old people approached me--one man and one woman. They were wearing the kind of clothing that one usually sees on psychologists or, perhaps, painters. The man had on a sort of poncho and some very loose pants (that looked as if they were made of canvas), and the woman had on a purple dress that came straight out of the sixties.

They handed me a small booklet with the title of Yoga (and some subtitle I can't recall), and explained that they were trying to raise awareness of the "true" spirit of Yoga. Then, while the woman still had her hand on the book, she asked me if I would be willing to contribute a small amount of money for their cause, and added, as a sort of passing question, "You do believe in God, don't you?"

This question struck me as rather uncalled for and out of place. The way it was interjected into the conversation, one sided as it was, seemed to imply that they didn't want to be asking for money from a person who did not believe in God. What convinced me more of the fact that they thought this way was how much more persistent in their asking they were after I answered "yes" to their question. I didn't have any money, nor would I have given it to them if I did. It just felt really strange and uncomfortable talking to two human beings who only wanted money from a believer. All of the atheists out there, it seems, are going to have a hard time purchasing things with money. Maybe clam shells still count as currency.