It's never too early to spread the word

This morning I went to pick up some cream cheese at Harris Teeter, and one of the most incredible things happened to me--in the sense that the word "incredible" means "funny". As I was walking from my car (that I had to park eight miles away, since eight o'clock on Saturday morning is apparently prime time for grocery shopping), I saw one of those tables set up out front that Girls Scouts usually use to sell their boxes of orgasm-inducers. At this table, though, there were no prepubescent girls clad in beige. This table was surrounded by a gaggle of post-sixty year old women wearing their Sunday best a day early. From where I was parked, I couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but every once in a while, a sort of yelp would emerge from one of the women.

As I got closer to the table, it became clear what this was all about. The yelps I heard from further away were actually some of the women asking loudly, "Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?" On the table were what looked like little Jesus dolls wrapped in plastic, and behind the whole mess was a big sign for one of the Christ Churches (First, Second, Fourteenth?). I, a person who has no intention of ever accepting a dead man as his "savior", was thinking of the best way to tell this group of bible-toters that, in fact, Jesus has already come back, but I thought he was just some hobo when he knocked on my door (no doubt looking for some water to turn in to wine), so I hit him over the head with a statue of Buddha and now he's in the freezer in my garage, when I noticed something that threw me completely off.

The Jesus dolls on the table were actually the Jesus equivalent of chocolate bunnies! Now I had an entirely new mission...I wanted some free chocolate! I walked over to the largest person behind the table, knowing that she must be the one in charge, and told her that I was having some trouble with my faith lately, and that maybe a chocolate Jesus would help. The problem, I continued to explain, was that I only had enough money to buy some bread for my starving brother and sister (I had messed up my hair on the way over to the table as a convincer), and I simply couldn't afford the $5 price tag that came with the Jesus chocolate. This nice and fooled woman handed me, out of the goodness of her heart--not, she said, for another get-into-heaven-free pass--a free chocolate Jesus.

I said thank you, and walked towards the wonderfully secular sliding door of Harris Teeter, and opened up my new treat. Immediately biting off the head (where else does one begin?), I became disappointed and confused. (Oh, and strangely, I stubbed my toe at that same moment...must not have been paying attention to where I was walking!) The Jesus was hollow damn it! Who skimps on a chocolate image of Jesus?! Of course bunnies would be hollow--bunnies are stupid! Jesus though? He's supposed to be the damned son (maybe not the best choice of words) of God! At least have the decency to make him out of solid chocolate!

Mark my words. That is the last time I ever accept food from a group of people promoting Jesus. If there is going to be no effort put into making a quality chocolate idol of the "Lord and Savior", I shouldn't be expected to even consider accepting the dead version of that chocolate man as anything but a dead guy.

Oh, and just and case any of you were worried...I did get the cream cheese. Its expiration date doesn't arrive for another whole week! Be afraid English muffins. Be very afraid.